Lonely in a crowded place.

That's exactly how I feel sometimes. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this. The problem is...knowing that for a fact still doesn't help.
I got a presentation due tomorrow. I haven't done much, but I think it will work out fine though I don't feel like I want to do it.
Again I'm close to tears. I feel alone. Why for god's sake isn't there anyone out there who can stay with me even for a little. Why is it always just one night only? I've met this guy and I thought "WOW!" and I was really stunned when he said he had noticed me, too. He spend the night. HE asked to exchange phonenumbers when he went home. And I will never ever hear about him again. That's how it always goes. Why? Why is it always like that? Am I that unbearable?
I mean I know I'm disgusted by myself so why shouldn't everyone else be? But still...
I hurts. Every time it hurts. Everytime I fall apart a little more. Even though I only just met him. Or maybe because I just met him. What could I possibly have done to deserve being treated like this?
There has to be a reason. And then I think 'well...YOU are the reason, you stupid hoe'.
I really try not having too much expactations but when euphoric I can't easily stop myself from glorifying the guy. And then I fall pretty hard. SOmetimes I wonder if I like that. Because I think I deserve it.

I started cutting again. For a moment there is something neat about it. But if it dries I don't like it that much so I have to do it again.

I just feel so fucking lonely and useless. I want to just not be here anymore.
I already tried cutting my wrists. Not to kill myself at that time but just to try it out. I cut along the venes but not deep enough. I wanted to try and cut a bit deeper but i couldn't. Even that I can't. But maybe I should. I love my friends and family but I feel like I shouldn't be here anymore right now. I don't know what to do or when but maybe I really should.
I was already close to 'accidentally' trip in the shower a few times. But each time I couldn't do it.
I feel like doing it this time for real.
Life just feels so fucking difficult. I fall anyway, so why not do this right?