[Some may wonder why I sometimes write in English. I just love the language. I know I'm not perfect in English, but it's what I like. Neither am I perfect at singing, but that doesn't stop me, does it?]
It's about 6 o'clock in the morning. I'm still awake. I wanted to clean my flat tonight. All I did was spending time in front of my laptop. It makes me sick. I'm sick. I feel disgusted by myself. Again.
My mum hadn't had the time to help me and I haven't done much on my own to tidy up in here. There's just no motivation. It's nearly the same as for school.
It would be easy to say I just got listlessness. This would fit to my maybe-depression.
But it's not just that. I go out with friends all the time. It's not like I'm sitting in my bed all week long..though I do most of the time. But there are certain things that don't seem like a problem to me.
Going out, dancing, having a beer. All easy.
Working in the cinema. Aaaaall easy.
I assume tidying up my flat comes next in rank. At least I rather do that than learn something for school or even go to school. It's really been a battle lately although it may not seem to everyone else. I assume I just seem to be very lazy to them.
I could easily cry right now and I have to try hard to not do so.
I should've cleaned up my flat because C. is visiting me in approximately 9 hours. Of course. That amount of time would at least be enough to throw my clothes in the closet and wash some dishes. But I don't really feel like I can do that. It's a little bit like I'm chained to my bed.
I fear what C. will say if I still haven't cleaned everything up.. I have talked about cleaning up for days and still: nothing happened. I fear of what he will think about me. 'Lazy and dirty. Bah!' I know it possibly won't be that way but still. And everyone else in school must be thinking 'Ah! Finally the lazy freak has found her way to school again. We'll see how long until she skips class again.' And they're probably not. I know that. But it's still in my head.
It won't be long until I have eaten all the skin around my fingernails. I'm biting on my lip again. Thinking about scoring again. Want to eat and then vomit. I just want to stay in bed. Won't ever have to tell anyone about my flaws and my ridiculous failure. Cleaning up the flat. Not that difficult, is it?
Can I just die? Please?
